Why am I alive
This is a rant. It's being written at 23:47 - 12/09/24
Why am I alive? I don't think I'll ever contribute anything to anyone really. Maybe I'm just lonely. I'm so so scared of opening up to people. Whenever I wear my heart on my sleeve it goes badly. I really schouldn't be complaining yet I am.
I'm not even sure why I do it, it's kind of instinctive now. I'm simply a different person in front of others, I'm amicable and try to listen to what the other person has to say even though sometimes I just want the conversation to end. It hit me today, I can't talk all that well. Maybe if I improved I'd enjoy it more. I feel so dirty, nothing I say or do is truthful not even this blogpost. Everytime I'm slightly truthful it bites me afterwards. Everything I do at school is a mask, I'm not sure how to put it. Dream (bruh).
There's so much I want to say but I can't. I'm very sscared of death and yt even though it has no reason to it's crossed my mind from a young age. Perhaps from 8 years at the earliest and most definitely at 12/13.
Why am I here at all?
waste of space and air.
I think I'm just lonely fr.
Let's start from the beginning.
In reception I was outgoing (i think). I enjoyed playing and wheels.
In year 1 I enjoyed maths and school and the snow and one day I got a knife and tried to cut my forehead open, probably so I wouldn't have to be "there" (wherever there was) anymore.
In year 2 I did my first SATs which I don't remember. It might have been around this time where I started to bang my head on the table in a form of self punishment or I'd punch a brickwall or bang my head into a brickwall. I was very averse to failure, I hated getting things wrong. The funny thing is that when my parents learnt of this out came the belt, punishment for punishment is quite ironic.
In year 3 I had my first "crush" and I think I became friends with a friend of mine called Vicenzo at this point or year 4. Anyway I called him a "disgrace to nintendo" and made him cry or sthm like that. I'm not sure how we became friends.
In year 5 or 6 I was very good at bottoling up my emotions until they came out in a torrent of action. I did something I still regret. We were playing a game on a playground and my "friend" clearly was targeting me and after enough time I got very very angry and picked him up and slammed him back first into a wooden pole. I still regret doing that to this day, it was quite unnecessary and overboard. Later when I bottled up any sort of emotion (usually anger) I would "release" it on inanimate objects such as my bed and once my wardrobe, which I still regret.
I don't remember much of year 5 or 6.
Year 7 I had a teacher called Mr breziski and he was the english teacher.
In an IT lesson on the computers where the school tested our reading ages (mine was 16) I was taken to my head of year because I either printed or was singing the song "Kill Yourself". I think they told me that the song may "trigger"(I can't remember the actual word) the other students. I can't remember what I did after.
I don't remember year 8.
I can't quite remember when covid began but I spent most of it not talking to anyone outside of my family and running in the park while reading "Solo levelling" and other webnovels on tab:https://www.webnovel.com/.
I want to curl up into a ball and never see or talk to anyone again.
I have and continue to relate viscerally to videos such at these even though I shouldn't. Nothing's wrong with me and yet I do. ffs
It's only gotten harder to talk to people since covid, I believe before I wasn't as aware of what I was doing wrong in social situations.
I didn't have to deal with my own mind as much, now I have to calculate each sentence and filter it, I've got to make sure their appropriate. This is tiring. And even after all that I still make mistakes so what's the point.
I don't feel that I have an actual identity. I don't have a favourite song or any hobbies. I'm a nothing person.
All the praise I get feels so empty. Most of it wasn't deserved, most of my success is a fluke at the end of the day and meaningless.
year 10
Year 10 was a good year.
I went to the gym for the first time with friends, because they'd introduced me to a youtuber named "Hamza". Self Improvement spoke to me and it became an obsession. I loved the gym, meditation and going outside. I largely consider these the best years of my life.
I stopped going to the gym in year 11 but continued working out at home and I felt I had to stop in order to focus more on exams. I proceeded to do neither. I still came out with decent grades though.
Year 12
Year 12 was a depressing year. Most of the summer of year 11 I petered out with working out. This caused my mental health to plummet while being bombarded with my choice to do 4 A levels for no reason.
Year 13
The current year. Why am I here? What matters to me? Good rant