Becoming a 25 Year Old Loner
Disclaimer
This will be a rant.
Main blog post
I've been in a bit of a rut lately.
But I decided to watch a youtube video by a youtuber named Dr K from HealthyGamerGG.
It was focused on this image
This image scared me. As of writing this I am 17 so I have around 7-8 years until this could fully apply to me.
But so many of the points resonated with me as I could see myself doing exactly that and getting into that position in life.
I simply started to feel as though there was no point. I felt defeated.
There are definitely people who would kill to be in my position and I have the nerve to not feel delight with every breath I take. But hating on myself only makes me feel worse as does, "loving myself" (bedrotting).
I know that I feel great satisfaction in doing things that benefit me and yet I don't do them.
In the video You are a 25 Year Old Loner Dr K says something along the lines of:
there is a gap between your potential (where you should be) and where you are.
The gap between where you are and where you "should" be is wide, therefore when you move towards where you "should" be. You are unsatisfied because you "should" have done more (closed the gap). You feel worse even with or because of the progress you made.
Imagine you "should" take 10 steps and you take one. There are now nine steps you didn't take, and you focusing on those nine steps which are greater than the one step you took makes you feel worse.
When it comes to me, I was focusing on how many past papers I should be doing, instead of doing a past paper and turning 0 into 1 or just doing what I'm capable of.
0 to 1 is a "massive" jump, shouldn't I focus on that.š¤
The "Present"
Something interesting that comes up time and time again is that one should try to live in the present.
I haven't done a great job at this, I constantly think about past failures and future efforts instead of what can be done in the here and now.
I'd constantly think "oh no I have to learn 1500000 new pieces for orchestra" instead of "today I'm going to try and improve one passage".
While I knew to not dwell on the past, I still thought about the future.
The only times I could be present were either at the gym (where coincidentally I was also at my happiest) or watching content (which was just an escape š®āšØ)
As I keep finding time and time again is that some balance as decided by me is needed. I should give time to dwell on the past and the future. But when it's not time to do so, only the present matters!